Divorce over porn addiction?
My husband of 10yrs is addicted to porn. I’ve found numerous porn memberships charges. Before the internet he would rent or buy DVD’s and hide them. The problem isn’t so much that he watches porn but that he has replaced our sex life with it. We have gone months without sex or any type of affection. And if he does have sex with me, its a 2min. hit and quit. I’ve been willing to watch them with him but he says no.During sex its almost always like a porn never making love.I’ve told him that it makes me feel like his blow up doll. I gave him an ultimatum in April that he needed help and I was willing to stay with him if he promised to get help.He agreed but this past Friday he came home late(1am) instead of coming to bed he goes straight into the office, I snuck up behind him and I caught him in the act. I couldnt believe he said he didnt think he did anything wrong and i was over reacting. He basically wants to keep his house, his kids, his wife that cooks, cleans,washes, pays bills so he told me what i wantd to hear to just avoid the problem. The problem is that I’m 29yrs, I’ve already given him 10yrs, 2 kids and basically my whole life..I don’t think I can stand by on the scraps of love he throws at me for another 10yrs. I’m just so conflicted because I do love him and I wish I could help him but I can’t. I’m heartbroken but he just doesnt want to talk about it and is willing to let us go for his lack of self control or his inability to communicate with me. Is divorce my only solution at this point?
First off…I would like to give my deepest apology to you. I was addicted to pornography for a long time as well. It is a drug that can make you addicted to it just as much as meth, cocaine, alcohol, etc… For him to replace you with porn is a very selfish and horrible thing to do. I did the same thing with my wife. She caught me in the act too. I had gone so long without anybody knowing about my addiction, that when she DID catch me….I was literally sick to my stomach with shame and humiliation. My wife stuck with me because I actually put forth an effort to stay away from it realize it was a sickness.
Your husband is basically cheating on you with the women he looks at on the internet, in movies, or on television. He has replaced you with these women. Because he said he didn’t think he did anything wrong, and you were over-reacting when you caught him, it is a sure sign he hasn’t come to grips with the sheer reality of it all — that it hurts you. One day he is going to wake up and everything he takes for granted right now is going to be gone.
He needs to get help. You need to get the internet disconnected now. Every avenue that comes into that house that could possibly tempt him needs to be severed. One of the best things that ever helped me was finding out one of my best friends also looked porn. We kept each other accountable almost every day to ensure we didn’t hurt our wives again.
In answer to your question about divorce being your only solution at this point — no. You need to talk to him more, and try and seek out help. If he is un-willing to stop looking at porn, unwilling to get help, but WILLING to put porn above you and your children….then something drastic may need to happen. I pray he will make the right decision.
Again..I’m sorry this happened to you. But hopefully your husband will make the change.
Dont divorce him, try talking to him about it.
References :
are you sure asking a load of random people on the internet is a good way to resolve this problem. i think a marriage councilor may give you better answers
References :
I would say yes, at this time I think this is your only option. You don’t need to be in the ‘marriage’ that isn’t even a marriage. It takes two to make a relationship work and to make things happen and if he just willing to through this away for sex, thats horrible. You are young, 10 years is a long time for you to be with him. Its time you really think about things with this man. It won’t stop, especially if he doesn’t get help. Its something that traps people and they can’t get out. At this point, do what is best for yourself and family. You have invested a lot into this relationship so don’t be too hasty but think long and hard about what you want in the long run. I know it isn’t this. Take care hun. You are better than how he is treating you, I hope he gets a wake up call before you leave.
References :
oh im so sorry. its difficult to know what to do in that situation , especially as you still love him. maybe try making him to go to a relationship counsellor and you could go together and try and remedy your marriage. it would be a shame to break up until you have tried all the options. good luck =)
References :
no divorce is not a solution
your husband has a sickness like all other addicts have
whether its alcohol
drugs
he needs to admit to his addiction and get help
12 step program would be nice
References :
No, there is also intervention on a communal level. Be careful with that though; people like that can get emotionally disturbed when their problems are made public.
References :
id say so.. youve given him enough chances to change. maybe a break from eachother for a couple months before a divorce might help, might scare him a bit. take your kids with you too. just get away and clear both of your heads, ALONE.
References :
You should cut the internet off. Take him to church if your religious and get couples counseling.
References :
have you thought about counselling??….if he is not keen, you could always go alone to get some support and help through this tough time…..it might help improve your communication with your husband….
ultimately you need to be happy, but walking away from your relationship without even trying something might do more harm emotionally than good…..
good luck!
References :
my experience!
He can’t keep denying that you have a problem with your sex life. You have gone months without sex, it’s not normal to substitute sex with porn. Does he even want to work on your marriage? If not, nothing you can do other than either be with him and be miserable or divorce him and move on with your life while you are young.
References :
AWW well he may not be able to get stimulated by you anymore. But you can tell him that he has only 2 choices: porn or his family & life. Guys are just naturally addicted to sex and anything that has to do with it, but you should pray to God, and ask God to help your husband so that he can please you the way you please him. Also try calling all local porn stores and telling them not to take subscriptions from him. lol
References :
Divorce is the last resort, and unfortunately not until you have spent many painful months even years (starting now) trying to reconcile the issue.
Porn addiction is a disease, just like drugs or smoking or alcoholism. It must be treated as such. He needs to come to a realization that he has a problem, and begin the road to recovery. It is embarassing and a taboo subject in today’s society, which makes it that much harder.
Your role is to be supportive and help in any way you can. Only when there is no hope left should you even consider a divorce.
It’s gonna suck for you for a while, but the rewards are worth it. The time you have invested in him is worth saving. I really hope he can come to terms with his issues.
Do your best to be loving and supportive, never accusing or demeaning. Once he goes on the defensive it’s much more difficult to deal with. Keep the conversation open and flowing.
Good luck in a crappy situation.
References :
I believe this is a common enough problem, but perhaps your situation is more extreme than most.
If he is a good husband and a good father and a good provider otherwise, then I would say his addiction to porn is probably not enough justification for divorce. You have to think what is best for your children for the next 10 years. And once they are out of the house, then do whatever you want.
References :
I am going through the beginning stages of this myself and we are not even married yet. I have gone through the internet porn, chatting online, cyber sex, emailing, pictures on our computer of girls in hardcore poses, etc. Then we moved onto the phone. I found those on the credit card. Then it went to on demand porn. Hundreds of dollars worth on one month bill! Then it went back to the phone which is the most recent. It’s sex addiction. Whether he admits it or not. If he is not willing to get help, then he will never change and you will end up heart broken.
References :
For your situation, I don’t know, but you cannot work on a marriage by yourself. You have to be more proactive then simply giving ultimatums. 5 months has passed by since you told him he need to get help. How come you didn’t know he wasn’t doing anything about it in all that time? Perhaps there is counseling you both can attend, even separately. Either way, you should be considering all of your options and also get consult with an attorney. This is your life so stop being reactive.
References :
Oh no….please dont give up on him….What will he be without you helping him?..he obviously need help….and how about you kids if you divorce? there is many thing you should reconsider before acting…send him to "cold turkey" or something…make him suffer by not watching porn…ask any one who can help but make it a private way so he wont be embarrassed….good luck
References :
Right away I have to tell you, 29 is just a baby! So funny a lot of us Americans feel this way a woman at 29 feels like her life is over! Where as a European or an Asian woman having had kids maybe even grandchildren, at 56 y/o posts an AD on the internet looking for a eligible bachelor to marry! I know you spent 10 years of your life with him which is a lot for someone your age you are only 29, and you got 2 kids, but unless he changes, you MUST get rid of him. You do not need a husband who has a problem which totally alienates you, but is not willing or mature enough or normal enough to work it out, because you clearly told him, you would stand by him IF he went to see someone for his problem and worked it out. The magic word here is IF. IMO, you should not accept anything less than this, and since he is your husband father of your children, give him this chance to straighten out, however, you should make a time table how much time he needs for that, how much time are you willing to give him to wait for him until he straightens out. DO NOT put your desires, your life your ambitions on hold for anyone, especially a husband with a problem who is not moving a finger to deal with it, and obviously he is not physically nor emotionally taking care of you. It’s a tough situation, I do not think I would be able to handle it, I’d divorce and divorce now especially since I was the one financially providing for the family.
Never say you are too old at 29!
References :
if you have kids, you cannot divorce, it is just unfair and you dont even know the horrible outcomes that can lead to, depression and whole bunch of other stuff, try to get counsoling or talk with him
References :
IS he getting help? Professional help. I mean? Not just "I’m gonna quit" but is he seeing a counselor about his problem?
If he IS getting help, then his latest "adventure" is just a relapse, and is to be expected. Expect many more before he gives up completely.
But if he’s just telling you he’s gonna quit, then he’s really sneaking around behind your back.
You MUST get rid of the computer. Sell it to one of those "recycled computer" places, and be sure to tell them that they might find some "juicy" material on the hard drive — so make sure they erase it!
You must INSIST that this stuff never be allowed in your home again — YOU’VE GOT KIDS! They must NEVER see this.
Professional help is the only option. You’ve already laid down the law, now be prepared to live with what you’ve asked for. If he does not locate and attend the professional help, then you’re gone, and you WILL take the house (or at least 1/2 of it) with you.
Note that you will BOTH need counseling. He has an addiction, but you are going to have some forgiveness and trust issues that you will need to work through.
I strongly suggest that you BOTh go to the SAME counselor. In fact, I suggest that YOU locate the counselor, and insist that your husband attend. The counselor will want to see you both separately and together, as needed.
This IS going to be a hard path to walk, but it IS do-able, and worth every bit of your effort!
References :
I’d Say Try One More Time To Seduce Him..When He Comes Home From The Office Be Wearing Your Sexiest Lingerie And Get The Kids To Stay In Someone Else’s House. Try New Things Like Tying Him Up Or Anything Else You Can Think Of. If This Doesn’t Work Tell Him If You Can’t Get Sexual Gratification From You’ll Get It From Someone Else. If This Doesn’t Bother Him I’d Say Go For The Divorce.
Best Wishes. =]
References :
29 is very young. you have a whole life ahead of you–is this how want to live it? you gave him an ultimatum in april and he didn’t stick to it, sooo now what/…what are the consquences?? if none, then he will keep doing because well…WHY NOT. it’s worth it. all he has to do is play w/ porn and listen to you rant for a bit and then…the next day play w/ porn again. so….what’s this ultimatum?
References :
.Well its like this i know from my past relationships {marriages} that after about 5 to 6 years things in the bedroom seem to get routine like and the give and take seem to go out the window . I had went to porn and look at stuff that i was wanting in the bedroom that i was not getting is it right no its not but people have a tendency to think of them self’s not everyone involved .I found in my marriage is that there was a lot of nagging about everything including the bedroom it was easier to go to porn then to deal with the nagging or the i don’t do that but they would expect me to do things in the bedroom but they do nothing it gets old and i started resenting it .Divorce isn’t the answer you need to sit done and talk to him with out the yelling shouting or threatening what will happen if you want to save your marriage he is stuck in a mode when it comes to porn he doesn’t hear any negative words he gets what he wants with out having to deal with some ones feelings or his performance . He does need help i ended up in divorce now i am with someone that gives alot more in the bedroom then i have ever had but now i dont have alot of the other things i used to have .Good luck
References :
First off…I would like to give my deepest apology to you. I was addicted to pornography for a long time as well. It is a drug that can make you addicted to it just as much as meth, cocaine, alcohol, etc… For him to replace you with porn is a very selfish and horrible thing to do. I did the same thing with my wife. She caught me in the act too. I had gone so long without anybody knowing about my addiction, that when she DID catch me….I was literally sick to my stomach with shame and humiliation. My wife stuck with me because I actually put forth an effort to stay away from it realize it was a sickness.
Your husband is basically cheating on you with the women he looks at on the internet, in movies, or on television. He has replaced you with these women. Because he said he didn’t think he did anything wrong, and you were over-reacting when you caught him, it is a sure sign he hasn’t come to grips with the sheer reality of it all — that it hurts you. One day he is going to wake up and everything he takes for granted right now is going to be gone.
He needs to get help. You need to get the internet disconnected now. Every avenue that comes into that house that could possibly tempt him needs to be severed. One of the best things that ever helped me was finding out one of my best friends also looked porn. We kept each other accountable almost every day to ensure we didn’t hurt our wives again.
In answer to your question about divorce being your only solution at this point — no. You need to talk to him more, and try and seek out help. If he is un-willing to stop looking at porn, unwilling to get help, but WILLING to put porn above you and your children….then something drastic may need to happen. I pray he will make the right decision.
Again..I’m sorry this happened to you. But hopefully your husband will make the change.
References :
No! Divorce should be your last resort. As Dr Phil explains.Only after you have exausted every avenue of fixing a problem in a marriage; you have earned your way out of the marriage. As a wife who loves her husband,it’s one of those times you must face this awful,hurtful situation and safe your husband. He is not the only man weak to porn,which is a very corrupting to the mind because women are being degraded and men belief this fantasy world.
They begin to think their sex life is no comparing precisely because one should not compare these made up, fake porn act to real sex in a marriage."All fantasy",its not fair to a wife. With all this said,as much as your husband hates it. You must come down like a hammer on his head and help him understand the spell he is under.
References :
With your best loving tones ask him to seek help.Ask him if he would like you to get off on men?, He is making you doubt your womanhood for women that so not exist. The whole porn world and the internet are ruining perfect families that love one another.Save your!!!All the best!!!
Divorce is definately NOT the only solution. Unfortunately in this case though, it sounds like the problem is you, not him. Here’s why:
1. Problem 1: you are spying on him
2. Problem 2: you are bothered by his porn interest to the point you are thinking of divorce. this is like getting mad because he’s horny.
3. Problem 3: you don’t mention any other problems. there have go to be some, otherwise he wouldn’t be looking at p*rn so much.
Most men like porn. Some men get s*x all the time and STILL want to look at porn. More often, though, men look at porn because they want s*x with a woman, preferably their spouse, and they aren’t getting it.
Checklist – answer and fix these, then see what happens to your man’s porn interest:
1. do not nag him
2. do not spy on him
3. suggest intercourse at least twice a week
if still no progress, move to level 4:
4. get on scale. look at rear in mirror. if you are unhappy with what you see, start exercising and stop eating until you’re happy enough to like getting naked. if you don’t like getting naked, it’s a sign you need to do something about it. It doesn’t matter what your weight and size are, what matters is that YOU must be happy with it.
if still no progress, move to level 5:
5. get kinky. if you need instructions, get a book or whatever.
If you follow all of these levels and he’s still looking at p*rn too often, then he has some other problem and you should tell him to see a psychiatrist. or take up a sport.
References :
Well lets put this in another view point.
What if your husband was addicted to alcohol, or another drug?
Would you still feel the need to divorce…. what would you do then.
Look at this as a true addiction, because it is. He will not get help, this is a classic sign of addiction. You go get help for yourself. Learn the options you have. Learn what addiction is and what kind of choices you have.
You are not powerless though it may feel like you are at this point. Is your family worth it? Your kids, your husband, yourself? I think you and the kids are worth it……
Get help for yourself.
Wish you well!!
References :
Either divorce or if you can possibly get the man into counseling with you, try that. If he won’t try it, it means he has no regard for the relationship. Good luck to you!
References :