What would you rate my writing on a scale of 1-10?
I just wrote and submitted this to teenink.com
What do you think of it?
Walking up the steps of the building which I was forced to go to every Sunday, I wondered if I really belonged. Some people don’t go to church, but believe in God and some people go to church every Sunday but don’t believe in God. I was one of the few in the gray area; the unknown. Since I was just a child, my mom had told me stories from the Bible. My father had always prayed with me before I went to bed. I’d never questioned it. I’d never had the need to until now.
Every Sunday I found myself shaking hands with neighbors and family friends, going through the motions of “Hello, how are you?” and “I’m fine, thank you,” and saying amen as people spoke, and singing lyrics to songs that had no relevance to my life. I was confused. Wasn’t religion based upon the solid core foundation of belief? Wasn’t I supposed to have faith in my religion? Or was it just something that I dealt with every Sunday, just to blow off the six other days of the week?
Taylor greeted me with a smile, as he always did, “Annalisa,” he said in a tone much too proper for casual conversation. I preferred to be called Anna, but despite the dozens upon dozens of times I’d tried to tell him that, he still called me Annalisa.
“Hello Taylor,” I replied with a smile that I struggled to show. I wasn’t in the right mood to go to church. I doubted myself every second that I stayed. I was quite sure that I didn’t believe anything about my religion, except for the fact that God did exist. I believed that. It was just everything else that had me thinking twice. It was all of those little details in the fine print that made it a struggle.
He looked down awkwardly, like he didn’t want to look straight at me. He’d had a crush on me since grade school. His mother and mine talked about it all the time, but he would never come forward and tell me that he liked me. Even now that we were 17-years-old, seniors in high school, the lanky boy was still too bashful. Taylor was cute, but much too tall and skinny. He stumbled upon his own feet as we began walking down the hall.
“Annalisa,” he began in a curious tone.
I nodded and he continued, “Do you ever feel like you don’t belong here?”
Was he reading my mind now? Maybe he’d been hearing all of the awful things I’d said about his mother in the past too. Not likely, but possible…I gawked at him, dumbfounded, “Sometimes,” was my shaky reply.
Taylor pursed his lips, “My mother and I had a long discussion last night…more like a fight…about my religious beliefs.” Not even the bravest of soldiers would dare treading that water. Talking to Mrs. Garretson about religion was always a tough talk to have. Unless, that is, you believed exactly as she did.
We both stopped walking and looked at each other.
He continued speaking after a long pause, “I finally confessed to her that I don’t believe what she’s always taught me.”
I couldn’t help but let out a laugh. It wasn’t a humorous laugh, but a laugh of shock. Why would anyone, especially Taylor, who had to endure living under the same roof as his mother, tell her that? If even a stranger tried to say that they didn’t believe the Catholic way to Taylor’s mother, she would have a fit.
I shook my head, “And how did that go over?”
“I wasn’t surprised at her reaction, but I knew I had to do it.”
“Why is that exactly?”
He put his hand on my stomach. I looked down at the small bump that would, in less than half a year, be a living and breathing infant. A tear rolled down my cheek. I’d thought of the last three and a half months. Every night since the night that I was raped; I had begged and pleaded with God. If only he could take the child away from me, get rid of it. I knew how terrible it sounded to want an innocent baby to die, but it wasn’t about the baby. Just the thought of that monster’s child growing inside of me made me cringe.
I put my hand on his, “It’s inevitable. Maybe it’s God’s will for this baby to be born.”
“No!” I’d never seen Taylor get angry in all the time I’d known him. Even when we were children, I’d never seen him throw a fit or yell or scream. Why did he care so much about my problems? Why was he so passionate about this that he was getting so emotional?
Taylor took my hand and led me down the hall and out the door, “It’s not God’s will for you to have this baby. Don’t try to find a way to give this dark situation a bright side, because there isn’t one.”
Tears were streaming down my face, but I tried not to make a sound. I was flashing back to those memories of what had happened just a little over three months ago. I thought of how helpless I was and how unwilling he was to quit. I could still feel his eyes burning through me like fire. I was just an innocent 16-year-old girl being taken advantage of by a man much bigger than me. I tried to fight my way from his grip, but he was twice my size
He won the battle before it had even begun.
In my head, I pictured him behind bars, but the fantasy was cut short. I realized he would only be locked up for eight years. That’s all he’d been sentenced to. I let myself slide against the brick wall until I was on the ground, sitting with my hands covering my face. I could just imagine what a wreck I looked like.
Taylor put his hands on mine, taking them off my face, “Annalisa,” he said sweetly, “you don’t have to fight this alone.”
I shook my head, still crying.
“We can go through this together.” The word we had never sounded quite as sweet as it did just then. I looked up, staring into his eyes, wondering what was ahead as I tried to erase the memories of what was behind. I couldn’t help but think that all because of one unfortunate occurrence this was all happening. The girl I’d once been was no longer. The girl I was now had lost her faith.
And I realized for the first time that I didn’t have to live in the past or the future. All I had to do was take the moment, grab it and run with it. And though I was unsure, I decided to do just that.
Oh, wow. Oh, wow, oh, wow, oh wow, oh, wow. I am blown away by your writing. Your writing has this tug to it, the beginning hooked me, and the emotional roller coaster kept me reading until the end. If anybody could capture the uncertainties of life and faith, you are the one. As another Answerer said, please email me when/if you are going to write a book with this writing, so I can be one of the first to buy it. I would give this beautiful and interesting writing a 10/10.
March 9th, 2010 at 6:21 am
its loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong but yea i rate it 10/10 i like ur vocabulary
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March 9th, 2010 at 6:36 am
zzzzzzzzzzz
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March 9th, 2010 at 7:19 am
Sorry,I dono’t understand it much…
Although I kinda went throught the agnostic phase,but I’m Catholic now and the only thing that can make me stop believing in God is if he told me that He didnt exist.
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March 9th, 2010 at 7:46 am
The part where it mentions "rape" really caught my attention. I’m hooked. Where can I read the rest??
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Oh yeah, and are they 16 or 17? You mention both ages…
March 9th, 2010 at 8:36 am
i like the idea. but i think the way you introduced the girl being raped was a bit random. maybe it should be a more emotional scene, because i kind of feel like this story will be about her and her teenage pregnancy rather than religion.
if it is about religion, i still think it’s in an awkward spot.
btw, what you said about my story… it was exactly right
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my opinion
March 9th, 2010 at 8:54 am
I like the sentiment, and I like how it flowed from a questioning of faith to a concrete example of moral dilemma. However it’s immature almost childish to me. That is not to say it was not beautifully written. Write more, enjoyable. Inspiration and work = greatness
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March 9th, 2010 at 9:25 am
oh my gosh thats amazing…can you send me an email when it goes into stores? i need to know what happends? i kinda want her to struglle alot and then i want him to be like God will help you and then for her to love church and i want them to dall in love….obviouslly
for some reason i have a mental picture of the characters
ooo maybe her parents should kick her out and she should move in with like the pastor and his wife (depending on the domination of church ) lol or she could move into anywhere really but i think that would make the story more realistic
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March 9th, 2010 at 9:45 am
6/10
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March 9th, 2010 at 10:30 am
Oh, wow. Oh, wow, oh, wow, oh wow, oh, wow. I am blown away by your writing. Your writing has this tug to it, the beginning hooked me, and the emotional roller coaster kept me reading until the end. If anybody could capture the uncertainties of life and faith, you are the one. As another Answerer said, please email me when/if you are going to write a book with this writing, so I can be one of the first to buy it. I would give this beautiful and interesting writing a 10/10.
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Myself.